Approval

My sister had the better genes, she was pretty, she was wittier, and she was much smarter than me. Her grades were always better than mine. I used to think that my mum loved my sister more because she was smarter.

My mum was unintentionally comparing me to my sister, and that stressed me.

It made me competitive, I developed a constant need for approval. It made me crave attention.

Maybe that's why I joined Drama, choir and the student council, so I could have more attention.

I hated it when people stole my thunder, I didn't like it when they were funnier than me, I hated it when people I perceived as idiots or losers were better than me.

I needed that "well done", "very good", "excellent" and "you're so smart" from my teachers, my peers and especially my parents.

But my dad's not around because my parents are divorced and my mum stopped praising me.

When I was thrown into the last express class, it bruised my ego so badly. It was an insult to me. I was too arrogant to admit that I was lazy. I thought everyone was beneath me. This attitude got me nowhere in the the class. It was only after I became humble that people started liking me. I then realised that though some of them may not be the brightest bulbs, they were the most fun and wild classmates I could ever ask for. Nothing can ever take the place of 406 in my heart.

Now I think to myself, "was coming to CMM the correct choice?"

I'm no longer the witty one and no longer the walking dictionary/encyclopedia. I'm now just known as the loud and tall one.

My writing no longer stands out. My speaking does not trump others. There's no way approval and praise would ever come my way. Have I grown complacent? Have I become lazy? My command of english, ability with accounts and understanding of science brought me comfort in secondary school. Science and accounts are useless in this course. My command of english is like a dwarf compared to some of those giants.

As confident as I may seem, I'm plagued with insecurities, low self-esteem and a constant need of approval.

Well his plan sucks

Things that have happened since I last update my blog,

1.Started school in TP

2. Got a MacBook Pro (which is awesome)

3. Made new friends in B1C02

4. Came home one day to find out my sister had committed suicide, had to call my mum and break the news, watch her cry and blame herself, go to a mortuary to claim my sister's corpse, sign her death certificate, go to a funeral parlor, clear out her stuff, contact her friends, call my dad, hold her funeral, have her cremated, and carry her ashes. Did I mention how I cried my eyes out?

5. Dyed my hair brown,

6. Went back to school

7. Try to get used to life without my sister

8. Made a confession to B1C02

9. Sat for Mid-Sem test

10. Moved to a more inconvenient location

11. Got drunk at CMM chalet (sister must have been face-palming from heaven)

12. Went to the columbarium on my sister's birthday

Oh yeah, and I'm 17 now.
Gawd this is so depressing, I may sound depressed, but I'm not.

Now it's my june break, I shall exercise, play Starcraft 2 & Sims medieval, do my GDF assignments, and my group projects.