Approval

My sister had the better genes, she was pretty, she was wittier, and she was much smarter than me. Her grades were always better than mine. I used to think that my mum loved my sister more because she was smarter.

My mum was unintentionally comparing me to my sister, and that stressed me.

It made me competitive, I developed a constant need for approval. It made me crave attention.

Maybe that's why I joined Drama, choir and the student council, so I could have more attention.

I hated it when people stole my thunder, I didn't like it when they were funnier than me, I hated it when people I perceived as idiots or losers were better than me.

I needed that "well done", "very good", "excellent" and "you're so smart" from my teachers, my peers and especially my parents.

But my dad's not around because my parents are divorced and my mum stopped praising me.

When I was thrown into the last express class, it bruised my ego so badly. It was an insult to me. I was too arrogant to admit that I was lazy. I thought everyone was beneath me. This attitude got me nowhere in the the class. It was only after I became humble that people started liking me. I then realised that though some of them may not be the brightest bulbs, they were the most fun and wild classmates I could ever ask for. Nothing can ever take the place of 406 in my heart.

Now I think to myself, "was coming to CMM the correct choice?"

I'm no longer the witty one and no longer the walking dictionary/encyclopedia. I'm now just known as the loud and tall one.

My writing no longer stands out. My speaking does not trump others. There's no way approval and praise would ever come my way. Have I grown complacent? Have I become lazy? My command of english, ability with accounts and understanding of science brought me comfort in secondary school. Science and accounts are useless in this course. My command of english is like a dwarf compared to some of those giants.

As confident as I may seem, I'm plagued with insecurities, low self-esteem and a constant need of approval.