"I miss you more than I can bear, but we had our time together. I have to let you go. " Dom Cobb, Inception
I miss my sister so much.
I have to let her go but I can't.
Friday, December 09, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
He didn't know if it was the pent up frustration of being abandoned, or the anger towards his father, or the irritation of how life sucked, or the fact that he finally got the father-son bonding he always wanted, or the fact that he finally got his father's approval, or that his father finally did something fatherly.
But all he could do was mumble replies as tears streaked down his face.
He couldn't understand his father, the thick accent, the broken english, the drunk gestures, but he tried to decipher what his father was trying to relay.
His father was drunk, he doesn't even know what he is saying. People say that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts, but how true is all of this?
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I did not want to move after my sister passed away.
I did not want to move to my uncle's house in Ang Mo Kio, I wanted to move to another uncle's house in Bedok.
When my mom went to apply for a HDB flat, I did not want the Marsiling one, I wanted the Tampines one.
Now my dad is in Bangkok, and doesn't want to listen to his boss's orders to wait in Bangkok and not to go anywhere. My dad wants to fly over to Singapore, which my uncle is unhappy about because no one on my maternal side trusts my dad.
So now my mom and I have to switch rooms with my uncle, my mom is tired of what she sees as my uncle's "strange antics".
And I'm supposed to be the mature child and support my mom. Even she acknowledges that my dad may lose his job if he flies over. Meaning that he will have no income, no income = not able to pay child support, no child support payment = my mom would have to support him and me & she would have to work more.
She told me to save up my money.
A mature child would understand the current predicament and support his parents in any way possible and not raise objections.
I have not raised any strong objections to anything that my mom has done so far, but I can't take it anymore. I want to unleash the ungrateful brat in me and let my parents know what a stupid plan this is. The new flat in the god-forsaken place called Marsiling will not be ready until 2016/2017. That is 5 to 6 years more to go in this house, and you want to piss off the man who so kindly let you move in when you needed a place?! What if he kicks us out? What if no other relative take us in? We would have to rent an apartment, do we have money to pay rent if your EX-husband gets fired from his job? Not to mention he used to hit you and abandoned you and your children.
WHY DO THIS BECAUSE OF ONE FLOOD? I know the flood is dangerous, and it is terrible, but he's in a safe location, with food and water, and there is assistance from all over the world. Why sacrifice our livelihood for this!!!??? Everything is going just fine as it is!
I did not want to move to my uncle's house in Ang Mo Kio, I wanted to move to another uncle's house in Bedok.
When my mom went to apply for a HDB flat, I did not want the Marsiling one, I wanted the Tampines one.
Now my dad is in Bangkok, and doesn't want to listen to his boss's orders to wait in Bangkok and not to go anywhere. My dad wants to fly over to Singapore, which my uncle is unhappy about because no one on my maternal side trusts my dad.
So now my mom and I have to switch rooms with my uncle, my mom is tired of what she sees as my uncle's "strange antics".
And I'm supposed to be the mature child and support my mom. Even she acknowledges that my dad may lose his job if he flies over. Meaning that he will have no income, no income = not able to pay child support, no child support payment = my mom would have to support him and me & she would have to work more.
She told me to save up my money.
A mature child would understand the current predicament and support his parents in any way possible and not raise objections.
I have not raised any strong objections to anything that my mom has done so far, but I can't take it anymore. I want to unleash the ungrateful brat in me and let my parents know what a stupid plan this is. The new flat in the god-forsaken place called Marsiling will not be ready until 2016/2017. That is 5 to 6 years more to go in this house, and you want to piss off the man who so kindly let you move in when you needed a place?! What if he kicks us out? What if no other relative take us in? We would have to rent an apartment, do we have money to pay rent if your EX-husband gets fired from his job? Not to mention he used to hit you and abandoned you and your children.
WHY DO THIS BECAUSE OF ONE FLOOD? I know the flood is dangerous, and it is terrible, but he's in a safe location, with food and water, and there is assistance from all over the world. Why sacrifice our livelihood for this!!!??? Everything is going just fine as it is!
Monday, October 10, 2011
If you don't like what you see in the mirror, either change it or change your opinion of it. I will choose the former. I guess it's easy to look at something I like for the rest of my life rather than having to lie to myself that I like what I see in the mirror although I feel ugly.
An East Asian blepharoplasty, a rhinoplasty and a chin augmentation should settle it.
Right?
An East Asian blepharoplasty, a rhinoplasty and a chin augmentation should settle it.
Right?
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Raindrops
Seeing his parents divorce made him question marriage, seeing his extended family fall apart just made him question love. Seeing his sister die because of it made him lose faith in both.
As Jim wandered through the internet. Opening page after page as the raindrops fell down the window in front of him. He liked to watch the raindrops race each other. It got more interesting than his computer and the George Carlin video he was watching. The rain made the night gloomy. The rain seemed to bring out all of Jim's pent-up emotions. He always pushed aside all his depressing thoughts. Jim felt so lonely at that moment. He was 17 but had never dated anyone, which seems like nothing to some people. But to an insecure teenager, it was a hell of a big deal.
Sure he has had crushes on girls and girls has crushes on him, but it just did not feel right, so he never made any moves. He lets his feelings fade away. He was fussy about who he wanted to date. Being lonely was the price to pay.
As he looked out of his window and felt sorry for himself, he saw a tall man in a black shirt standing with his umbrella under the pouring rain. An umbrella was useless in heavy rains like this. The man must be completely drenched. And although the man was far away, he could see that the man was constantly looking at his watch and looking around, as if waiting for someone. Like a lovesick fool waiting in the rain for his true love to return.
"Love makes people do such stupid things," he thought to himself.
Just then, the man collapsed in the rain. Smack against the pavement in the pouring rain.
Jim thought to himself, "I have to go help him, idiot or not, it's the right thing to help him."
He grabbed his raincoat, swung it on and dashed through the door, ignoring his surprised parents as they asked him where he was going.
Jim had no idea, what he was doing or why he was doing it or who he was doing it for. He just felt a strange attraction from the man.
As Jim wandered through the internet. Opening page after page as the raindrops fell down the window in front of him. He liked to watch the raindrops race each other. It got more interesting than his computer and the George Carlin video he was watching. The rain made the night gloomy. The rain seemed to bring out all of Jim's pent-up emotions. He always pushed aside all his depressing thoughts. Jim felt so lonely at that moment. He was 17 but had never dated anyone, which seems like nothing to some people. But to an insecure teenager, it was a hell of a big deal.
Sure he has had crushes on girls and girls has crushes on him, but it just did not feel right, so he never made any moves. He lets his feelings fade away. He was fussy about who he wanted to date. Being lonely was the price to pay.
As he looked out of his window and felt sorry for himself, he saw a tall man in a black shirt standing with his umbrella under the pouring rain. An umbrella was useless in heavy rains like this. The man must be completely drenched. And although the man was far away, he could see that the man was constantly looking at his watch and looking around, as if waiting for someone. Like a lovesick fool waiting in the rain for his true love to return.
"Love makes people do such stupid things," he thought to himself.
Just then, the man collapsed in the rain. Smack against the pavement in the pouring rain.
Jim thought to himself, "I have to go help him, idiot or not, it's the right thing to help him."
He grabbed his raincoat, swung it on and dashed through the door, ignoring his surprised parents as they asked him where he was going.
Jim had no idea, what he was doing or why he was doing it or who he was doing it for. He just felt a strange attraction from the man.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Irashaimase
"Irashaimase! Welcome to Wasabi House, I am Sarah and I will be your server."
"About time, we have been waiting for 7 minutes and we have an appointment at a hair salon at 2.30pm." whined a girl with a nasal voice and curly black hair and an expression so irksome, rapists would get an instant de-boner.
Sarah led a quartet of giggly teenaged girls to their table. The stereotypical convent girls who cannot stop talking and pretends to be an innocent and pure girl but is actually a complete bitch and devil incarnate.
But Sarah had to pretend she did not despise them, just like how she had to pretend that she enjoyed her job. "Just smile, Sarah, and don't pour hot green tea down their painfully tight tank tops."
It was hard for Sarah not to do that, as it looked like the breasts of some of those girls was about to pop out of their tank tops like wild animals and blast off like rockets. "Here is the menu and a list of our lunch promotions, take your time to choose and call me when you want to make an order."
"Thaaaaanks. But can I ask if you have anything that's vegetarian on this menu? I guess I'm just not strong enough to block out from my mind the fact that meat is murder." said the prettiest of the four, her caucasian yet asian features and light brown hair hinted that she was Eurasian. She also seemed to be the ring leader of the four girls.
The third one had bleached hair that clashed with her thick black eyebrows. "Oh my gosh Georgina, you're so cool. You have such strong will-power and being a vegetarian makes your figure gorgeous." She was an obvious suck-up who needed this Georgina person to stay popular. If she were in prison, she would be everyone's bitch. Or maybe she's a closeted lesbian whose obsessed with this Georgina.
"Great, a stuck up bitch with a voice more nasal than Miley Cyrus, a total suck-up who is possibly a lesbian, and a self-righteous vegetarian. God must be testing my patience." thought Sarah. "The last one is probably just as much as a bitch as the others are."
Sarah scanned the last one. She seemed more introverted than the rest. She was petite compared to the others, had a sweet smile and a natural charisma around her. She seemed ..... nice? She had a girl-next-door vibe and could totally do better than her current bunch of friends.
"Just let her go Georgina, you know how long you take to choose an item on the menu, and I saw you ate a cheeseburger yesterday, saw drop the whole holier-than-thou-cos-I-don't-eat-dead-animals act. Thank you........Sarah? We'll order later." said the last girl.
"I was right about her! She was nicer than the rest! I might have judged her too quickly about being introverted though. I might actually make it through the day without assaulting them!" thought Sarah. Sarah was a nice person, but she could be a little impatient, short-tempered and judgmental.
Just then then, a caucasian man stood up and asked in a posh British accent Sarah, "Excuse me miss, could you please watch over my belongings and food while I make a quick trip to the loo?"
Although Sarah had dishes to wipe at the back and take the orders of the 4 girls, she had no choice but to oblige his request, after all, he was a customer, and he was very pretty good-looking. Sarah had a penchant for Caucasian men, she finds them more romantic and better-looking than the local asian men. Some of her friends have tried to convince her otherwise, but she is adamant about her opinion.
He had a long face and curly brown hair. His jaw was sharp with a slight chin-dimple, high cheekbones, a sharp, thin nose and grey eyes that seemed to pierce through your soul. His cheeks were pinkish from the spiciness of his extra hot ramen. Which made him even more adorable. His lanky build was complemented with a grey sweater and black jeans that seemed to be custom made. He may be thin, but it was obvious he visits the gym often. The sight of him made Sarah weak in the knees.
"Looks like there is something that can make me like my job." thought Sarah.
"About time, we have been waiting for 7 minutes and we have an appointment at a hair salon at 2.30pm." whined a girl with a nasal voice and curly black hair and an expression so irksome, rapists would get an instant de-boner.
Sarah led a quartet of giggly teenaged girls to their table. The stereotypical convent girls who cannot stop talking and pretends to be an innocent and pure girl but is actually a complete bitch and devil incarnate.
But Sarah had to pretend she did not despise them, just like how she had to pretend that she enjoyed her job. "Just smile, Sarah, and don't pour hot green tea down their painfully tight tank tops."
It was hard for Sarah not to do that, as it looked like the breasts of some of those girls was about to pop out of their tank tops like wild animals and blast off like rockets. "Here is the menu and a list of our lunch promotions, take your time to choose and call me when you want to make an order."
"Thaaaaanks. But can I ask if you have anything that's vegetarian on this menu? I guess I'm just not strong enough to block out from my mind the fact that meat is murder." said the prettiest of the four, her caucasian yet asian features and light brown hair hinted that she was Eurasian. She also seemed to be the ring leader of the four girls.
The third one had bleached hair that clashed with her thick black eyebrows. "Oh my gosh Georgina, you're so cool. You have such strong will-power and being a vegetarian makes your figure gorgeous." She was an obvious suck-up who needed this Georgina person to stay popular. If she were in prison, she would be everyone's bitch. Or maybe she's a closeted lesbian whose obsessed with this Georgina.
"Great, a stuck up bitch with a voice more nasal than Miley Cyrus, a total suck-up who is possibly a lesbian, and a self-righteous vegetarian. God must be testing my patience." thought Sarah. "The last one is probably just as much as a bitch as the others are."
Sarah scanned the last one. She seemed more introverted than the rest. She was petite compared to the others, had a sweet smile and a natural charisma around her. She seemed ..... nice? She had a girl-next-door vibe and could totally do better than her current bunch of friends.
"Just let her go Georgina, you know how long you take to choose an item on the menu, and I saw you ate a cheeseburger yesterday, saw drop the whole holier-than-thou-cos-I-don't-eat-dead-animals act. Thank you........Sarah? We'll order later." said the last girl.
"I was right about her! She was nicer than the rest! I might have judged her too quickly about being introverted though. I might actually make it through the day without assaulting them!" thought Sarah. Sarah was a nice person, but she could be a little impatient, short-tempered and judgmental.
Just then then, a caucasian man stood up and asked in a posh British accent Sarah, "Excuse me miss, could you please watch over my belongings and food while I make a quick trip to the loo?"
Although Sarah had dishes to wipe at the back and take the orders of the 4 girls, she had no choice but to oblige his request, after all, he was a customer, and he was very pretty good-looking. Sarah had a penchant for Caucasian men, she finds them more romantic and better-looking than the local asian men. Some of her friends have tried to convince her otherwise, but she is adamant about her opinion.
He had a long face and curly brown hair. His jaw was sharp with a slight chin-dimple, high cheekbones, a sharp, thin nose and grey eyes that seemed to pierce through your soul. His cheeks were pinkish from the spiciness of his extra hot ramen. Which made him even more adorable. His lanky build was complemented with a grey sweater and black jeans that seemed to be custom made. He may be thin, but it was obvious he visits the gym often. The sight of him made Sarah weak in the knees.
"Looks like there is something that can make me like my job." thought Sarah.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Coffeehouse
*sip*
"I'm so glad I got this job! I've always wanted to be a radio DJ and this job is going to be my first step to becoming one!"
My coffee was searing hot. Instantly-burn-your-tongue-off hot. This he-bitch is yakking off and pushing all my buttons. The only thing keeping me from burning his face off with this coffee is the fact that I'll be sent to jail. But it doesn't hurt to imagine, does it? The scalding sensation running through his skin. His yelp of excruciating pain. Him cringing on the floor, scratching at his face, as if it would take off the pain. His eyes tearing.
You might think that it is unnecessarily violent. But let me explain the circumstances to you.
Imagine you had a chance to get a job, an extremely fun job, with great working hours and great pay. Plus it provides wonderful career opportunities in the future. You dream of it day and night and wish that you get the job.
But you don't.
And now this chap who got your dream job, is just yakking away about how excited he is about the job, completely ignoring your disappointment. You would be as pissed as I was.
I attempted to change the topic of the conversation many times, but this bugger just kept talking about the job.
"...my mother was so proud of me.......", Alex continued to yak.
I needed an excuse to leave soon, or else I would end up on the front page of the newspapers for murder.
Just then, a voice with a light British accent came from behind, "Excuse me, but could you please help take care of my belongings while I make a quick trip to the loo?"
I turned around to see a caucasian man, he had a long face topped with curly brown hair. He had a thin jaw with a slight chin dimple, he had well-defined cheekbones and a sharp nose. Definitely a good-looking man. I replied, "Yes, sure, we would."
He chirped politely, "Oh thank you so much, I won't be long!"
When he stood up, I studied him more carefully. He was wearing a grey sweater with black jeans. He was a lanky man but his clothes fit he just fine. I was jealous. I have the exact same build but my clothes never seem to fit me!
"Oh he has nice shoes." Alex said. And he miraculously stopped talking about the job and changed the subject of the conversation to his shoes. What a relief!
"I have to thank this white guy later, he is a savior, I guess this annoying bloke will live to see another day." I thought to myself. *sip*
"I'm so glad I got this job! I've always wanted to be a radio DJ and this job is going to be my first step to becoming one!"
My coffee was searing hot. Instantly-burn-your-tongue-off hot. This he-bitch is yakking off and pushing all my buttons. The only thing keeping me from burning his face off with this coffee is the fact that I'll be sent to jail. But it doesn't hurt to imagine, does it? The scalding sensation running through his skin. His yelp of excruciating pain. Him cringing on the floor, scratching at his face, as if it would take off the pain. His eyes tearing.
You might think that it is unnecessarily violent. But let me explain the circumstances to you.
Imagine you had a chance to get a job, an extremely fun job, with great working hours and great pay. Plus it provides wonderful career opportunities in the future. You dream of it day and night and wish that you get the job.
But you don't.
And now this chap who got your dream job, is just yakking away about how excited he is about the job, completely ignoring your disappointment. You would be as pissed as I was.
I attempted to change the topic of the conversation many times, but this bugger just kept talking about the job.
"...my mother was so proud of me.......", Alex continued to yak.
I needed an excuse to leave soon, or else I would end up on the front page of the newspapers for murder.
Just then, a voice with a light British accent came from behind, "Excuse me, but could you please help take care of my belongings while I make a quick trip to the loo?"
I turned around to see a caucasian man, he had a long face topped with curly brown hair. He had a thin jaw with a slight chin dimple, he had well-defined cheekbones and a sharp nose. Definitely a good-looking man. I replied, "Yes, sure, we would."
He chirped politely, "Oh thank you so much, I won't be long!"
When he stood up, I studied him more carefully. He was wearing a grey sweater with black jeans. He was a lanky man but his clothes fit he just fine. I was jealous. I have the exact same build but my clothes never seem to fit me!
"Oh he has nice shoes." Alex said. And he miraculously stopped talking about the job and changed the subject of the conversation to his shoes. What a relief!
"I have to thank this white guy later, he is a savior, I guess this annoying bloke will live to see another day." I thought to myself. *sip*
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Suicide is just man's way of telling god, "you can't fire me, I Quit"
I may be all smiles on the outside, but I'm dying inside. Pieces of me are falling apart. I miss my sister so much. Sometimes I want to end it all and join her. But that will be to selfish of me. I cannot hurt my parents.
I have to keep smiling, I have to be okay. Life goes on.
Suicide will not be an option.
But the pain is killing me, just like my sister.
My sister didn't kill herself, it was her pain that killed her.
I have to keep smiling, I have to be okay. Life goes on.
Suicide will not be an option.
But the pain is killing me, just like my sister.
My sister didn't kill herself, it was her pain that killed her.
Monday, July 18, 2011
thinking of my own death
My sister's death has made me fear death. It's inevitable, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my friends, my parents, and me. we're all gonna die. But what happens after that? Will I be forgotten? Will my death cause pain and suffering to my loved ones? Will there be problems with arrangements after my death?
We were a bit clueless on what to do for my sister's funeral, we had a bit of trouble deciding what to let her wear, what to put in her casket, what food to offer her, where to hold her wake, who to invite, and whether she wanted songs etc etc.
It made me think of whether i should draft my own funeral arrangements. In case I were to die young. But who do I send it to? I couldn't possibly show it to my mom, she would think i was suicidal. Should I hand a copy to my my best friends? Or my cousins? What if my parents think it's fake if my best friends show up with my funeral plans?
Nevertheless, I will still write it. I'll print it out, seal it in an envelope and give it to some of the people I trust. I shall probably write a few farewell letters too.
This blog is getting depressing, but I am not depressed or suicidal, this is just a dumping space for all my sadness and negative thoughts as I don't have an avenue to express them. Maybe the school counselor will help?
Here's hoping to happier days.
We were a bit clueless on what to do for my sister's funeral, we had a bit of trouble deciding what to let her wear, what to put in her casket, what food to offer her, where to hold her wake, who to invite, and whether she wanted songs etc etc.
It made me think of whether i should draft my own funeral arrangements. In case I were to die young. But who do I send it to? I couldn't possibly show it to my mom, she would think i was suicidal. Should I hand a copy to my my best friends? Or my cousins? What if my parents think it's fake if my best friends show up with my funeral plans?
Nevertheless, I will still write it. I'll print it out, seal it in an envelope and give it to some of the people I trust. I shall probably write a few farewell letters too.
This blog is getting depressing, but I am not depressed or suicidal, this is just a dumping space for all my sadness and negative thoughts as I don't have an avenue to express them. Maybe the school counselor will help?
Here's hoping to happier days.
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Approval
My sister had the better genes, she was pretty, she was wittier, and she was much smarter than me. Her grades were always better than mine. I used to think that my mum loved my sister more because she was smarter.
My mum was unintentionally comparing me to my sister, and that stressed me.
It made me competitive, I developed a constant need for approval. It made me crave attention.
Maybe that's why I joined Drama, choir and the student council, so I could have more attention.
I hated it when people stole my thunder, I didn't like it when they were funnier than me, I hated it when people I perceived as idiots or losers were better than me.
I needed that "well done", "very good", "excellent" and "you're so smart" from my teachers, my peers and especially my parents.
But my dad's not around because my parents are divorced and my mum stopped praising me.
When I was thrown into the last express class, it bruised my ego so badly. It was an insult to me. I was too arrogant to admit that I was lazy. I thought everyone was beneath me. This attitude got me nowhere in the the class. It was only after I became humble that people started liking me. I then realised that though some of them may not be the brightest bulbs, they were the most fun and wild classmates I could ever ask for. Nothing can ever take the place of 406 in my heart.
Now I think to myself, "was coming to CMM the correct choice?"
I'm no longer the witty one and no longer the walking dictionary/encyclopedia. I'm now just known as the loud and tall one.
My writing no longer stands out. My speaking does not trump others. There's no way approval and praise would ever come my way. Have I grown complacent? Have I become lazy? My command of english, ability with accounts and understanding of science brought me comfort in secondary school. Science and accounts are useless in this course. My command of english is like a dwarf compared to some of those giants.
As confident as I may seem, I'm plagued with insecurities, low self-esteem and a constant need of approval.
My mum was unintentionally comparing me to my sister, and that stressed me.
It made me competitive, I developed a constant need for approval. It made me crave attention.
Maybe that's why I joined Drama, choir and the student council, so I could have more attention.
I hated it when people stole my thunder, I didn't like it when they were funnier than me, I hated it when people I perceived as idiots or losers were better than me.
I needed that "well done", "very good", "excellent" and "you're so smart" from my teachers, my peers and especially my parents.
But my dad's not around because my parents are divorced and my mum stopped praising me.
When I was thrown into the last express class, it bruised my ego so badly. It was an insult to me. I was too arrogant to admit that I was lazy. I thought everyone was beneath me. This attitude got me nowhere in the the class. It was only after I became humble that people started liking me. I then realised that though some of them may not be the brightest bulbs, they were the most fun and wild classmates I could ever ask for. Nothing can ever take the place of 406 in my heart.
Now I think to myself, "was coming to CMM the correct choice?"
I'm no longer the witty one and no longer the walking dictionary/encyclopedia. I'm now just known as the loud and tall one.
My writing no longer stands out. My speaking does not trump others. There's no way approval and praise would ever come my way. Have I grown complacent? Have I become lazy? My command of english, ability with accounts and understanding of science brought me comfort in secondary school. Science and accounts are useless in this course. My command of english is like a dwarf compared to some of those giants.
As confident as I may seem, I'm plagued with insecurities, low self-esteem and a constant need of approval.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Well his plan sucks
Things that have happened since I last update my blog,
1.Started school in TP
2. Got a MacBook Pro (which is awesome)
3. Made new friends in B1C02
4. Came home one day to find out my sister had committed suicide, had to call my mum and break the news, watch her cry and blame herself, go to a mortuary to claim my sister's corpse, sign her death certificate, go to a funeral parlor, clear out her stuff, contact her friends, call my dad, hold her funeral, have her cremated, and carry her ashes. Did I mention how I cried my eyes out?
5. Dyed my hair brown,
6. Went back to school
7. Try to get used to life without my sister
8. Made a confession to B1C02
9. Sat for Mid-Sem test
10. Moved to a more inconvenient location
11. Got drunk at CMM chalet (sister must have been face-palming from heaven)
12. Went to the columbarium on my sister's birthday
Oh yeah, and I'm 17 now.
Gawd this is so depressing, I may sound depressed, but I'm not.
Now it's my june break, I shall exercise, play Starcraft 2 & Sims medieval, do my GDF assignments, and my group projects.
1.Started school in TP
2. Got a MacBook Pro (which is awesome)
3. Made new friends in B1C02
4. Came home one day to find out my sister had committed suicide, had to call my mum and break the news, watch her cry and blame herself, go to a mortuary to claim my sister's corpse, sign her death certificate, go to a funeral parlor, clear out her stuff, contact her friends, call my dad, hold her funeral, have her cremated, and carry her ashes. Did I mention how I cried my eyes out?
5. Dyed my hair brown,
6. Went back to school
7. Try to get used to life without my sister
8. Made a confession to B1C02
9. Sat for Mid-Sem test
10. Moved to a more inconvenient location
11. Got drunk at CMM chalet (sister must have been face-palming from heaven)
12. Went to the columbarium on my sister's birthday
Oh yeah, and I'm 17 now.
Gawd this is so depressing, I may sound depressed, but I'm not.
Now it's my june break, I shall exercise, play Starcraft 2 & Sims medieval, do my GDF assignments, and my group projects.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Bye Bye Deyi Hello TP
Well, poly has officially started. New faces, new environment, new food, new clothes, new MACBOOK PRO!!!!
But same old politics and social rules thingy.
I remember it was much easier making friends in Deyi. Now I just clam up and don't seem to fit in (or at lest I think I don't fit in).
Maybe I'll fit in soon, maybe I take longer to get comfortable with my new surroundings.
But what if I take too long and everybody has already formed cliques and groups? Will they let me in? Will I be the sad social outcast that I have always dreaded being? Will people like me?
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Anyway, in the w=first week there are only lectures and no tutorials so everything is going smoothly and easily so far. The work will probably pile on in the coming weeks when tutorials start. I wonder if i'll struggle with the work. Coursework and graded assignments were never my strong point. I only did well in tests and exams. That's why I dropped F&N in the first place.
The CCA recruitment drive has begun, I can't believe I gave my names to Dance, Track and Field and Karate.
I seriously need a brain scan.
WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING?
I have no dance experience. My chances of being accepted are thinner then a model in Milan.
Track and Field? My only sporting achievement is getting an A in shuttle run once in sec 4(which to this day I call a miracle) and never getting anything less than a B in Sit and reach. BESIDES THAT I AM EXTREMELY UNFIT. I cannot do a single Pull up. And I always do badly for my 2.4km run.
I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY I SIGNED UP FOR KARATE!!!!
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I HAVE GOTTEN MY MACBOOK PRO AND IT IS DAMN AWESOME!!!!!!! IT IS MY LAO PUO NOW!!!!!!
But same old politics and social rules thingy.
I remember it was much easier making friends in Deyi. Now I just clam up and don't seem to fit in (or at lest I think I don't fit in).
Maybe I'll fit in soon, maybe I take longer to get comfortable with my new surroundings.
But what if I take too long and everybody has already formed cliques and groups? Will they let me in? Will I be the sad social outcast that I have always dreaded being? Will people like me?
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Anyway, in the w=first week there are only lectures and no tutorials so everything is going smoothly and easily so far. The work will probably pile on in the coming weeks when tutorials start. I wonder if i'll struggle with the work. Coursework and graded assignments were never my strong point. I only did well in tests and exams. That's why I dropped F&N in the first place.
The CCA recruitment drive has begun, I can't believe I gave my names to Dance, Track and Field and Karate.
I seriously need a brain scan.
WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING?
I have no dance experience. My chances of being accepted are thinner then a model in Milan.
Track and Field? My only sporting achievement is getting an A in shuttle run once in sec 4(which to this day I call a miracle) and never getting anything less than a B in Sit and reach. BESIDES THAT I AM EXTREMELY UNFIT. I cannot do a single Pull up. And I always do badly for my 2.4km run.
I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY I SIGNED UP FOR KARATE!!!!
----------------------------------
I HAVE GOTTEN MY MACBOOK PRO AND IT IS DAMN AWESOME!!!!!!! IT IS MY LAO PUO NOW!!!!!!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
i'm an ugly waste of space
i hate the acne scars on my face.
I hate how i don't have a defined jawline.
I hate my flat nose
I hate my ugly teeth
I hate how they're messy
I hate how the two front teeth are crooked
I hate how i have a messed up canine tooth
I hate how skinny i am and can't seem to gain weight
I hate the cavity in my chest which makes me look thinner
I hate looking in the mirror cos i am just a pole with a big head
I hate how my adams apple is so overly huge
I hate my face
I hate how my rib cage looks deformed
I hate my arms
I hate my legs
I hate how i look
I am an ugly waste of space and no one will ever find me attractive.
I am an ugly waste of space and no one will ever find me attracrive.
I am an ugly waste of space and no one will ever find me attractive.
I am an ugly waste of space and no one will ever find me attractive.
I am an ugly waste of space and no one will ever find me attractive.
I am ugly. I'm a loser. I'm a useless waste of space.
In better news, poly is finally starting. Finally an excuse to send myself into this downward spiral of self-conciousness.
I hate how i don't have a defined jawline.
I hate my flat nose
I hate my ugly teeth
I hate how they're messy
I hate how the two front teeth are crooked
I hate how i have a messed up canine tooth
I hate how skinny i am and can't seem to gain weight
I hate the cavity in my chest which makes me look thinner
I hate looking in the mirror cos i am just a pole with a big head
I hate how my adams apple is so overly huge
I hate my face
I hate how my rib cage looks deformed
I hate my arms
I hate my legs
I hate how i look
I am an ugly waste of space and no one will ever find me attractive.
I am an ugly waste of space and no one will ever find me attracrive.
I am an ugly waste of space and no one will ever find me attractive.
I am an ugly waste of space and no one will ever find me attractive.
I am an ugly waste of space and no one will ever find me attractive.
I am ugly. I'm a loser. I'm a useless waste of space.
In better news, poly is finally starting. Finally an excuse to send myself into this downward spiral of self-conciousness.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
This blog is so neglected.
I finally decided to write one my blog again.
It's so dead.
I totally regret quitting my job because now I'm penniless. And I'm having a super long holiday and holiday = no pocket money.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Snore
Got a call from Temasek Polytechnic yesterday!!!! I got shortlisted for an interview for my JPSAE later at 2.30pm. I should probably leave soon if I want to be early, Ang Mo Kio is quite far from Tampines.
But the phone call was quite hilarious, here's how it went
*phone rings and wakes me up*
Me (groans): hello......?
Guy: Hello I'm calling from Temasek Polytechnic Regarding your JPSAE
Me (energized): OH HELLO!!!! YES???!!!!
I sounded so different that some can mistake it for two different people (I have friends who did that)
Apparently I have this weird "monster" voice when I wake up. My voice is at a completely different register when I wake up.
The guy from Temasek Polytechnic must have been thinking, "Why the heck Is someone still sleeping at 3.30pm?"
Well, that's what students do during their holidays!!!!
OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I DO DURING THE HOLIDAYS.
I sleep 12 hours a day. It's my body's way of catching up on all the sleep i missed out because of school. It's cost effective too!!! This sleeping pattern limits me to 1-2 meals a day, so I have to spend less hard earned money on food.
I once slept at dawn and woke up at dusk. I felt so ashamed of myself.
I want to sleep some more.
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